Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Clueless Kevin and the 12 Draftees

A timeless classic...... Enjoy! I forgot to send this out last month so here it is....

Ahhhhh, the smell of the holidays in the living room, the extra tinsel stuck to the side of the couch, finding pine needles stuck in the carpet until July, looking at all the gifts already wrapped under the tree...none of which have my name on them, and the sight of Mrs. Claus bending over to unplug my computer Christmas morning so I'd spend more time with the family instead of reviewing mock drafts and 2008 player rankings.

Ahhhhh, I love the Holidays! What I love the most about the holidays is that once they are over, Fantasy Baseball begins its ascent into the minds of fantasy players around the country and the research begins. So why do we do this research? So we can all torment each other on draft day, thats why! Every year, the same 12 characters show up for what we all think will be an easy going, fun, and exciting draft day with friends and/or co-workers. Instead, some of us walk out of the draft room as if we just won the lottery while others walk out wondering..... what the hell was I thinking?! What makes Draft Day so unique though, is the 12 characters around the table that we all know and love.......

Draftee #1, lets call him "The Laptop Guy" -
Spreadsheets? Word? Fashion Design? What the hell is this guy looking at? Just before his pick he dips his head in front of the laptop screen and pecks away at his keyboard as we all wait impatiently. Finally he blurts out the most uninteresting pick of the draft, " Ok, I'll go with ...... Bartolo Colon." Next year, no laptops allowed!

Draftee #2, "The Star Gazer" -
This is the quiet guy in the corner staring into space. He showed up a bit late so he did not get a normal seat around the table. This is the guy that has to pull up the uncomfortable folding chair or stool and sit at the corner of the table always feeling like he is far from the action. Its his pick now, but he has no idea. The draftee is staring into space probably thinking about school girls and sugar plums.

Draftee #3, Homey Homewrecker" -
Homey Homewrecker is the guy who doesn't tell his wife that he has a fantasy baseball draft because he knows she'll be upset being that they can barely afford to pay the rent. However, he seemingly has enough money to waste on fantasy baseball......and still finds a way to walk out at the end saying...."what the hell was I thinking?"

Draftee #4, "The Gambler" -
No, I don't mean Kenny Rogers, but I mean "gambler" literally. This guy is the compulsive gambler. Every year he suggests we raise the league entry fee and every year his team sucks! He's also the clown who sends out offers asking for Carl Crawford and Scott Kazmir for Mike Jacobs and Casey Blake. Just because Blake was hot for a few weeks doesn't mean I'm trading my best player! Then, he's the guy who, when we say no and decide to trade with someone else who is more reasonable, he goes and veto's that trade. Stupid.

Draftee #5, "Mr. Unorganization" -
This is the easy to spot guy with the crap all over the table. Loose papers, rankings all scribbled out, magazines in bad shape, and of course his lunch with his half eaten tuna salad sandwich half falling off his plate, stinking up the room, and rubbing up against my magazine....uggghh! This is also the guy who spills his beer all over table with cheese doodle crumbs all over his face and shirt. He laughs at your jokes but we all know he doesn't get any of them. Then, once its his pick, he has no idea who to choose nonetheless that its actually his turn. He goes sifting through all his crap, can't find what he wants and asks the guy next to him (me)..... "Hey bro, can I borrow your mag?"

Draftee #6, The Man we call "Expert" -
Every league has its very own fantasy baseball expert, or at least thinks he is. This is the guy who seems to win every single year and is usually the commish. He's the guy nobody wants to trade with because we all think he knows something we don't. The minute he offers a deal, the first question that comes to mind is, "What's wrong with his players?" He's the guy who barracades himself in his cubicle at work from 9am to 5pm M-F and studies player projections, rankings, stats, player tendencies, scouting reports, percentages and even the current wind speed and temperatures at every major league ballpark! Then goes home and emails MLB teams for inside information. He then sends constant retarded trade ideas through email, AIM and text message all at the same time to the point you just tell him to stop sending you offers all together! He's the guy who sends you a trade offer, you accept, and then he voids it because he didn't think you would do it and he's wondering how you think you got the better of the deal..... because why do a trade if you don't think you got the better of it? (This is not me by the way - FM)

Draftee #7, The Sympathy Drunk" -
This is the guy who make stupid picks every round that has other draftees scratching their heads. Everyone will ask, "Why did you just pick that player?", only to get a reply of "I don't know, I just woke up. I was out until 4am last night and I was soooo drunk. I didn't have time to study and I didn't even buy a mag. I think I'm still drunk!" "Boo-hoo we all feel bad for you and nobody thinks your cool so stop *%&cking* up the draft!"

Draftee #8, Clueless Kevin -
Guy #1 - "Kevin, your up, 7th round pick, Guy #12 your on deck." [10 seconds go by], "KEVIN!!!"
Kevin - "Oh, what? Is it my pick?"
Guys #1, 2, 3, & 4 - "Oh my god!" "Jesus Christ!" "Is this guy serious?" "Pay Attention!"
Kevin - "Ok, umm hold on. I need to figure out who I want...."
Guy #8 - "Just pick anyone!"
Kevin - "Ok, i'll go with ummmmm... Johan Santana!
Guy #12 - "DUDE! he was gone like 6 rounds ago!"
Kevin - "Oh, I didn't know..... geez. You don't have to yell, I'm sorry, I just didn't think he'd go that early."
Guy #12 - "WHAT? Are you kidding? Aren't you crossing out players as they're picked?"
Kevin - "What?"
Guy #12 - "Just pick someone already!!!"
Kevin - "Ummmmm okay i'll take ...... Carl Pavano
Guy #7 - "Why the hell would you take Pavano here? Are you ser....? Nevermind!"
Guy #1 - "Ugh, NEXT!"

Draftee #9, "The Who" -
This is the guy who is not really a big baseball fan but is in the league for fun. Most likely, we needed him as a replacement manager but the chances are, he won't update his team past the All-Star break. He's one of our friends, but we don't mind taking his money. Three quarters of the way through the draft he asks, "What's OBP?" Then proceeds to make his next pick....... "Ummm I'll take GAG - KNEE" .........We all say in unison, "WHO?"

Draftee(s) #10, The New Guy and his Brother" -
This is a team of two or three or "co-managers" as we simply like to call them. They are usually brothers or best friends where one guy has the fantasy smarts and the other guy has the money. They don't laugh at anyone's jokes, value their young players to high, never answer trade requests, and consult with each other via whispering before a pick. They actually go through the trouble of covering their mouths with their magazines so we can't see or hear what they are saying. Its a keeper league so they think they're slick by taking stud rookies 10 rounds before they're supposed to be picked. "Building for the future", they say. The never pick anyone over 30 yrs. old. We all sit around and snicker as they whisper sweet nothings during their pick, but deep down we're really pissed because they just took our rookie sleepers in the 8th round, 10 rounds to early.

Draftee #11, The Steal of the Draft" -
This is the guy who thinks every pick he makes is the best pick, or the smartest, and is also the first to say.... "You guys ready for this pick? This is the .....The Steal of the Draft". He also says things like, "I can't believe you guys haven't picked this player yet!" "Oh my god, I can't believe this guy is still out there!' "Yeah, my team is pretty solid!" "This pick is my boy!" and my personal favorite, "My team is always up for trade talks, everyone is available!" However, it takes two weeks & endless emails to get a deal done!

Draftee #12, "The Fantasy King" -
This guy is one of the leagues Founding Fathers, one of the leagues original members since its inception four years ago. It just so happens, this guy won the league in that first year thanks to a fluke year from JD Drew...... and man, have we been hearing about it ever since! Despite 2 consecutive last place finishes, he still claims himself to be a fantasy king even though he is still loyal to guys like Randy Johnson & Eric Chavez and just about any living or breathing Braves player. He even signs his emails.... "The Fantasy King!" Your time has come and gone my friend!

So there you have it, the 12 Draftees of every years fantasy drafts! They are all there. Take a look at the managers around you on draft day, there is no doubt you will see atleat 2 or 3 of these guys. Without them, what fun would a live draft be? The holidays are almost done and I'm starting to get that itch.......its almost draft day baby!!!

Good luck to all this season. Feel free to send along any questions regarding your draft preparation and upcoming drafts! Remember to visit
http://www.fantasybaseballexpress.com/ for free draft guide, tools, strategies, player rankings, mock drafts, cheat sheets and more!

The Fantasy Man
Fantasy Baseball Express
http://www.fantasybaseballexpress.com/
Member of the Fantasy Baseball Writers Association

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